Calm your nerves child

I had not planned on writing anymore before the wedding, but I can never resist on an opportunity to write when the Lord has spoken to me. Anyone who knows me as of late, I have been getting awful panic attacks. I have fretted about this day in fear that I would be such a mess that I wouldn't even be able to enjoy the day. I have an anti anxiety pill I have been saving for the wedding day to take before the ceremony. As I laid in bed last night talking to the one who has blessed me so, I prayed about how anxious I feel about the wedding. I told Him that I was fearful that I would be a nervous wreck to say the least. As I was getting the words out of my mouth "please join my father as we walk down the isle, let me know you are by my side" He spoke. It is always so prominent when He reveals something to me. It is almost like the He was right there holding my hand and telling me all would be well. He said "If you have faith in me, rely on only that to calm your nerves child. I am all and you do not need any pill to conquer this day. I will see you through. WOW! Sometimes we forget that He is all we need unless we are quiet enough to let Him tell us. Walk with God and you will never walk alone.

                                           Be still and know that I am God. -Psalms 46:10

Blushing Bride

As I sit here before my wedding day I wanted to think about what husband and wife means to me. Uniting our love as one in front of our friends and family is a given, but delving into what marriage really is begins a whole new chapter. In the beginning God created man and something was not right, man needed a companion so from man God created woman by taking one of Adam's ribs and making Eve. God was the coordinator of the first wedding and I rest assured in the fact that He knows what He is doing. The blushing innocence of a bride as she is guided down the isle by her father to her groom is so beautiful only God could have created it. The angelic look of anticipation in the grooms eyes as he waits for the woman that was made for him is incomprehensible. Both of them dressed in the righteousness of Christ ready to make life long vows to one another. With Christ at the forefront of this relationship there is nothing we can't do. As long as we continue to let Him steer the wheel and put our love for Him above our love for one another our marriage will be lush. Filled with pure joy, compassion, loyalty, love, and blessings for one another. For when God is put first your life is always lush. It is not about how cute of a couple you make or where you call your home together, but it is about the partnership you have and how you strive everyday to make this earthly life the best that it can be. It is about how you work as a team and support one another through any obstacle that comes your way. It is about praying together and creating a family and home that always has Christ at the center. It is only then that you have the riches of this life God intended. I have said it before and I will say it again the ONLY thing that matters in this life is our relationship with God and our relationships with others and LOVE is the focal point in all of this. If we can learn how to love one another as Christ loves us we have surely fought the good fight. I hold my head high with Him as I go in to this union of love with the one He created for me. The next wedding of course will be the ultimate affair. As the bride of Christ one day I will walk down the isle to my bridegroom and we will begin our new life together in eternity. Hallelujah!

"May there be such a oneness between you that when one of you cries the other tastes salt." -Anonymous 

How great thou art

Then sings my soul,

My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art!

The chorus of this old gospel hymn just whirled around in my head this morning. I got to do something very special today. When the sun was barely peeking over the horizon Chad took me to meet his papa. The unique thing about this meeting was that it was at Sparkland Hillcrest cemetery. Upon our arrival we went and bought some sunflowers to give his headstone a little pizazz. Chad introduced me and I said hello, then we prayed. I know how much this man meant to my finance. His grandfather is more than just a distant memory or thought to him. As I gazed around we were surrounded by the universal symbol of peace. The cross was every where, beautifully crafted out of stone and granite. I could not help the overwhelming sense of serenity that the Lord put on me in that place. Cemeteries have never made me sad, but always at ease. I guess there is something about putting this old earthly body to rest and sending our souls to Heaven that makes me feel that way. We looped around looking at the different head stones and the dates of different peoples lives. However long or short they were at rest now, and there is something very harmonious about that.

Lord thank you for the opportunity to experience this with my fiance. However small the act may have been I think the impact was massive. We wanted a blessing for our marriage even from our family that has passed on. We know they are here in spirit.

To the angels that are with us in spirit:

Harvey Artemus Miller

Fannie Mae Miller

Charles Reese Mote

Lucille Morgan

Harold N. Shannon

Eddie Bull Sr.

Phyllis Bull

The trinkets that carry our blessings

The trinkets that carry our blessings aren't always porcelain or ornate in fashion. The case that brings our miracles isn't always sturdy and bound with leather. The ship that brings us our fortune doesn't always have flowing sails on a sturdy mast. What I am trying to say is sometimes when God gives us something, it isn't always in a pretty package. I was inspired to write this because of an old friend who was curious enough to get in touch with me this week. I must say, the charisma of the conversation left me with a smile and also an open heart to lend her. She does not realize how she has paid it forward yet. I love stories like that! You see them in movies where a friend crosses paths with another friends life and the incident changes both of their lives in some way and they don't know it yet. So cool. While praying with my (soon to be) husband last night we touched over a few of the same subjects we always do and then I brought something new in. I prayed for this friend and her family. I prayed for strength, courage, and wisdom to cross this broken bridge they have found themselves on. When we finished praying together I continued to pray silently in my head drifting back and forth from thinking about what I would say to her and letting God speak to me. He brought me this seed to grow on, sometimes we don't recognize the true blessings in our lives because they come in some hideous form of pain and suffering. The truth of the matter is, God always has something for you to take away from these terrible storms. There is a valuable life lesson in every single one of them. Sometimes it is hidden and we have to look harder for it, but it is there. It's kinda cool if you think about it, we can always be learning. I think that often we forget that among all other things, our Lord is a teacher. When Jesus was on earth that is how His disciples referred to Him, as "Teacher". So appropriate. Diving head first into the curve balls of life is not the easiest thing to do. I do think it is better to do that than to not swing at them at all. Let's learn from them and uncover our hidden blessing.

What kind of trinket is carrying your blessings?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3: 5-6

Failure at its finest

So being 100% proud of yourself all the time is just not possible is it? I mean what happens when you fail? Falling down isn't as bad as it may seem. What if every time we fell, we picked ourselves back up with prayer and a life lesson. I think that if we were strong enough to analyze the situation without getting angry at ourselves, that only then we could take a look at what God wanted us to learn from that mistake. Surely there is a learning experience in everything right? I am quite convinced there is. We deal with them daily.. something doesn't go right, we narrow down the reason it didn't go right, and we don't do that next time. It sounds simple enough when reading it to yourself, but how often do we really repeat our worst mistakes? More often than any of us realize. Maybe we repeat them because we have not learned God's lesson in why we shouldn't do them anymore yet. I have said it before and will say it again.. God is so clever. He is our biggest resource when it comes to how to live a fulfilling life. Why are we not turning to Him when we fall down people? Maybe because there is another player in this game of life. We must not forget that anywhere God's light is shining good ol' Lucifer is close behind. He wants to haunt Christians worse than anyone else on this earth. Satan lurks in every corner to make you feel like a failure. His goal is to make us feel bad enough for our mistake to take cover and hide from our Lord. He builds us this beautiful platter filled with shame, regret, sadness, and unholiness and sets it down in front of us to gobble up. DON"T EAT IT!!!!! It is only a trap! God has not shunned us unholy because we messed up again. He wants us to retreat to Him in times of regret and sadness. He is called our Savior because he SAVES! Did anyone else just hear bells ringing?  Or maybe it was just a little sweet chorus in my head singing hallelujah. Thank goodness we have a merciful God, because I am a sinner. Nothing could ever humble you like falling on to your knees and praying to God. We are never too big to show our God how small we really are by collapsing at His feet and praying for His mercy. I have conviction in my heart right now because I have lost the sense of urgency to pray often. I feel like God just poured out of my fingertips what He wanted me to hear, not what He wanted me to share with others. Wow I love mornings like this...soaking in His words.

That is my prayer today, God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Weeding out frivolous friends

Today I decided to write about friendship. My mother always used to tell me that if you can count on one hand the amount of real friends you have... you're doing good.  I always thought that was absurd. Surely people have more friends than that. I do. At least I thought I did. As I have continued down this winding journey of life I have realized that the older you get the more quickly that changes. People come and go much like the seasons. They change your surroundings for a bit, then they are off to the next bigger and better thing. I have especially taken note of this in female friends. It has been painfully obvious to me that certain girls in my life have been there only when they have something to gain from me. For example maybe I am friends with a guy they like, I pay for them when we go somewhere, or even because there was no one else to hang out with. In return when you are a good friend, you are there through all of these depthless and shallow actions. I honestly consider myself a good friend to anyone. I always have ears that listen, a heart that cares, a mouth that is willing to give advice if the time is right, and a loyal fiber that is just knitted into my being. I think another thing that has saved my morals when it comes to being a good friend is that I stay away from the mean gossip train. Yes I said mean. There is no other way to put it, girls are mean and if they have even one tiny ounce of jealousy in their system towards you, you better believe your name will be thrown under that train. I have had a good amount of time to think about the people in my life who have come and gone. With that being said I know exactly why the ones who are still in my life are there for the long haul. My best friend in the entire world lives in a different country, but yet I am closer to her than anyone that lives here. This friend rejoices with you when you are thriving in life, she cries with you when you are sad, she laughs with you even when no one else is, she takes up for you when you are not around and most importantly she is there no matter what. God has kept her in my life for many reasons, but one of them is that she is a rock solid source when it comes to friendship. This person has seen me at my worst and celebrated with me at my best. So I have decided to tweak my mothers theory a bit. If you make it through life with one good friend, you have won. You have gained a victory that most would kill for, but the key is... to attain a friend like that, you must first be one.

        The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense. -Proverbs 27:9

I found this picture fitting enough to show her spunk and charisma while still capturing her happiness that she has found in her life lately. Katy I love you.

Flying Away

Leaving the comfort of your mother and fathers arms is not quite the easy task I thought I had on my hands.  When you are 18 you can't wait to leave and embark on your new life. Most of us, like me, find our selves back at home a number of times before we really make our imprint on this world as adults. I think home for me has been my safe place. When devastation and corruption are going on all around me being home makes me feel protected. Out of all the people we come in contact with every day, no one cherishes you like your family. So it makes sense that when in their presence you feel free from harm. You are surrounded by walls that were created from memories and sunny days. You know where things are located and you feel more than at ease relaxed on the couch with your feet up on the coffee table. It usually smells clean and welcoming and more than likely there is a meal for you to eat and an unspoken invitation for you to stay as long as you please. Your family loves you, so the most important thing you feel when you go home is unconditional, selfless love. That is what makes a home.  I know it is at times hard for parents to watch their child whom they have groomed and taught leave the nest for a final time. Parents have a tough job. They spend two decades teaching their children right from wrong and send them out with hopes and prayers that they do it right the first time. It is easier for my mom and dad this time because I am happy. The man that they have prayed for since before I was even born has found me. They feel safe knowing that their little girl is going to another home that is protected and filled with the most abiding love. And as for the little girl (me) God is teaching me how to make a new home. He said home is where your heart is...and your heart is my home. Just the sheer reminder that God is with you where ever you lay your head is about the most soothing message of reassurance one could ask for. I know I will miss my parents and still love being at their home, but I have work to do here with my husband creating a home together with Christ.

The love a mother has for her baby is unconditional.

You are captivating, you are lovely.

In life we tend to always be looking for the next best thing. Say we get a new car we are instantly thinking of how to make it better...new stereo, tinted windows, new wheels. It is a rat race in which society will constantly starve for the best and unfortunately in return be unsatisfied in one or more aspects of our own lives. The question is were we designed that way by our creator or did the greediness within us evolve over time. I think wanting to be the best "YOU" you can be is a rock solid foundation that Christ wants each and every one of us to have. However, I do not think that statement means to strive above everyone else and be better than others. God created each of us different so that we could all fit together like pieces of a puzzle. The great puzzle of life. We all have our own personal ladder of success to climb in life. Its just the height and number of steps on each ladder that changes. The truth of the matter is, you will never be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, or the most talented person you know. There is always someone better than the last and we are only cheating ourselves if we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. I have felt this subject whisper in my ear several times lately. I caught myself  the other day while getting ready to go somewhere wondering if my outfit will be as cute as everyone else's. Superficial I know, but we all do things like this. As a woman we feel the need to be perfect or "our best" all the time. We feel like we have so much pressure from society to do so.  The actuality of it is we do this to ourselves. "You left the house a mess and laundry everywhere, you aren't being clean enough for God. You are a mess." Jeez, a couple of dirty socks and we immediately turned ourselves into a terrible woman and wife. I know when I fail at something I immediately start thinking "Well there you go again, you knew you couldn't do this. Why did you even try. You can't get anything right." Wow. Just writing that made me sad that I treat myself like this. How am I supposed to be the strong, but meek, confident, but vulnerable, intelligent, and CAPTIVATING woman the Lord intended me to be when I secretly treat myself like crap. I don't know the answer to that, but this morning I was inspired to encourage myself every chance I get to continue being true to who I am and learning to fall in love with who that is. We are all a mess, but a beautiful mess that captivates those around us.

She is captivating, isn't she lovely...

Broken Wings

I can't hit on this subject enough in my life. It seems that I am always in constant battle with myself arguing that I have lost all that is fun in life by following "the rules". My senses usually answer back to my wild heart by mockingly stating "doing what is right is not always fun." So I sat down to reason with my restless soul and went on a fantastic journey only to discover the true allusiveness of these mad thoughts I have been experiencing. Down in the depths of my heart I truly disgust conformity in any way, shape, or form. I have always wanted to be an individual, eccentric and unrestrained from the ways of the world. I like being a free spirit. I have thought for so long that going against the grain and partying my tail off was keeping it real. Ha ha I was being REAL unique by doing what EVERYONE else was doing. It is so funny how you perceive things when your mind has not fully developed. I have found my niche though, being the one who chooses not to drink is making a stand and being different. I am so much more colorful now than I ever have been before. I think that I tried so hard to have a tough exterior for so long that I just thought that's the way I was. When in all reality I was a scared little girl. I didn't want to be different.. I wanted to blend in. I wanted to be cool and go UN noticed so I just hoped on the train and did what everyone else was doing. I have not given myself enough credit for the changes I have made. I don't know if you realize, but hoping off of any train that is moving at incredibly high speeds is difficult to do and chances of survival are slim to none. I survived though. I have some scratches and wounds that are still healing, but none the less they are on their way to being healed forever with the help of the Lord. I do like the lingering battle wounds though. Usually scars are a painful lesson from the past and will always remind you of something you never want to go through again. I am not proud of them, but don't mind keeping them around to awaken the stale memories of my past and to put an emphasis on my heart of why I chose to hand things over to God.

Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.
-Rabindranath Tagore

Rain down on me

I love that I awoke to slate blue clouds and the zest of fresh air this morning. Rain down on me. Isn't it magnificent that we can smell things coming? I mean really think about what ties your brain to memories, and a lot of that will come back to smell. The aroma of greasy bacon and eggs traveling through the air from country kitchen to your nose early in the morning while you sleep instantly takes me back to Emory Texas. As a little girl my great grandparents had a farm in Emory, it was a kids dream. Chickens, horses, dogs, and all the mud you could get your hands on. Their kitchen was always stocked with moon pies and nilla wafers and every morning granny got up and cooked biscuits, bacon, and eggs in the left over bacon grease. Needless to say every time I smell that breakfast no matter where I am, my memory takes me there in an instant. I think its fascinating. Maybe that is God's way of ever so often entering our realm and reminding us of things that are important to us. Out of all of the most pleasing smells in the world, fresh rain takes the cake. Its like the Lord Himself took water from a pale and with His own hands baptized the earth. I say baptize because once a rain is over, all the plants immerse from hiding and are cleansed. The same thing happens when we are baptized. I know in the fancy sense of the word you have to be cleansed by water to be baptized properly, but I like to do it a little more often than that. I like to disinfect my spirit on the reg. I think it needs it. My heart spiritually dedicates itself by purifying it in the word. I will rinse, refine, and restore and once I am done the process starts all over. It is a daily battle being a "good" Christian when sin is braided into your life and seems to take over like poisonous vines in a garden. We all were born with it and over time we seem to just let sin mesh and become one with who we are. Today let's be one with the rain. Let's intertwine our souls with the rain and let it bathe us.

Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. -James 4:8

Bearing your gifts

We are all good at something. God blessed each and every one of us with our own particular way of wooing the world. Sometimes He gives some more than others, but it is our duty in life to make the most of what was woven into our souls to be mass produced and shown to the world. Hiding your natural gifts should be considered a crime since you are basically robbing the rest of the world of ever getting to experience what you have to offer them. If you do not think what you have to offer is worth anything, you couldn't be more wrong.

I have decided that the good Lord did not give me the talents I had hoped for, musical talents that is. I never understood why He wouldn't give some one who bathed her everyday thoughts in the sweet, sweet sound of music any real musical inclinations. I know that we can't sit around all day and wish for things we don't have and I also do realize that He made me a vital role in many musicians life, because if there was no one like me there would be no devout fans to support and be committed to making good music known to the world.

Since being an accomplished fiddle player or singer is out of the question. I continued on a faithful search of what God intended me to use for His good. I soon realized that all I had to do was look around. I have created a home in where the lords presence is everywhere. I have painted and carved His brilliance on things that I found in the trash. Maybe I was meant to make Christian home decor "cool" again.  Maybe I took a green approach to recycling used things and converting them into divine statement pieces that showcase God's love and words for us. Pretty cool morning for me. I am pleased with that for now.

Lord thank you for all of the daily delights and blessings you have given me in my life. Help me to always be grateful and humbled for what I have instead of being disappointed in the things I may not have.

Finding the light in life

As I sit this morning drinking coffee in my retro themed sun room with old records playing and the dogs running around beneath my bare feet, I began to think about what brings light in to my life. Well for starters having a place to call my own, or better yet to call "ours"... everything I can think of has to do with Chad. I saw something today that was kind of disturbing... referencing getting married and having a family to signing your life away and preparing to rot and die. I was deeply troubled by the fact that anyone would think that finding love and companionship to go through life with was in anyway going to suck the life out of you. Before Chad, I was alone and with him now I feel like I can do anything. He has stood beside me throughout everything. More importantly...Chad began to love me, when I felt unlovable. Have you ever been in such a dark place that you think just your mere presence will ruin every ones day. Have you ever been so miserable that you always avoided mirrors because you knew when you had to look at yourself you would immediately feel sick to your stomach and begin to cry. I was there and I know now that I wasn't alone, God was with me. I just think He had to let the lifestyle I was living do its damage for me to actually realize His way was better. He is so smart. You have solved life's puzzle when you realize that empty hole in your soul CAN NOT be filled with ANYTHING else but God's love. The world fills it with sex, drugs, alcohol, & anything it thinks massive enough to fill up that gaping hole inside our hearts. The funny thing is that it works backwards...the more sin you put in...the bigger the hole gets. The Devil is smart too. Our life is hard enough as it is, why do we want to borrow trouble and bring blatant sin in to make it harder? I got a little off subject, my whole point was I am at a new level of happiness in my life. I have climbed that mountain of sin and stood on top of it and cried, sang, smiled, and rejoiced in my new path. The Lord shines through me, pours out of me and most importantly lives in me. Despite my past I am going into this union as a Godly woman and I will walk down the isle with pride and not shame... and that feels good.

-Nothing is more beautiful than a freshly cleansed Christian woman, they are as white as snow.