Day 1-Purity; Hosting a pure heart

Butterfly

A 30-day prayer guide to

Spreading your wings with Christ.

By: Sarah Celeste Bull

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. – 2 Corinthians 5:17

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

Dedicated to the strong spiritual women in my life, you have all been the inspiration behind every word I write.

Prologue

Butterflies are exquisite creatures to say the least. They start out as a caterpillar and then emerge from their cocoon dancing through the air with colorful wings and lively personalities. I think this process is fascinating and very relatable to the woman I have become with Christ. I am quite colorful, eccentric at times, unkempt a bit with flowers in my hair, music loud, and a mouth that my foot is firmly planted in most of the time.  I love the Lord with all of my heart and that is certain, but finding where I fit in among His children has been a daunting task. I wish I had had someone shining that ever so bright light of a newly washed soul to me when I was in my darkest days. There is nothing neither brighter nor prettier than that irrepressible joy that a new Christian gives off. I want that brilliance all the time. I have a desire to be different and a head that is as strong willed as an ox. I have pulled myself out of the darkness by a tiny thread that over time became an unbreakable steel chain. When I laid my life at the foot of the cross the game was over. I now have the aura of Jesus Christ surrounding me wherever I go. That is the epitome of feeling safe. The idea of writing this book came to me on my wedding day. I have never felt so radiant in my entire life. Not necessarily beauty in its physical form, but I felt so pure on the inside. I had nothing but the love of the Lord flowing through my veins that day. I firmly believe He was holding my hand coming down that isle and gently whispering the words of amazing grace in my ear. How sweet was the sound of His words saving a wretch like me. There was a reason I felt that way and I wanted to share with all of the women in my life that no matter what your past says you can be an enchanting butterfly purified with the grace and love of Jesus. Nothing is more beautiful than a freshly cleansed Christian woman; they are as white as snow.

Purity

I wanted to begin this journey with one of the most important elements of being God’s child. Cleanliness. Purification in all aspects of our life. We are in our most innocent form when we are clean and pure of heart.

Day 1 – Hosting a pure heart

The most basic step of purification is the daily ritual of cleansing. Let us begin with a pure heart. Pray for God to show you where your heart is. That is the one question I have to often ask myself when I am doing something. “Where is your heart at in this Sarah?” Are you doing this because you feel obligated or are you doing it out of the authentic goodness of your heart? It would seem easy to distinguish the difference, but it is not. Prayer is the only way to find out where the truth of your heart lies. So what does a pure heart really entail? Jesus said “Blessed are the pure of heart: For they shall see God.”(Matthew 5:8). Maybe if we are candid and faithful to God we have a pure heart. Being sincere with God is extremely hard at times, but I think when we can accomplish that in our lives everyday we have the foundation of a pure heart. A pure heart is honest and seeks God in everything.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. –Psalms 51:10

Lord, only you can transform me. Give me a new perspective. Show me where the sin is hiding in my heart. Cleanse it for me Lord. Take all that is unkind, selfish, hurtful, manipulative, and unfaithful and change them to be gracious, generous, full of love, and steadfast in faith. I cannot do this with out You God, and I lay my life at your feet. Take what is old in me and renew it with your hands. Breathe your life and words into my spirit. Come into my heart and make it your dwelling place. Give me a new heart and work in me Your love, peace, and joy (Galatians 5:22-23).

Calm your nerves child

I had not planned on writing anymore before the wedding, but I can never resist on an opportunity to write when the Lord has spoken to me. Anyone who knows me as of late, I have been getting awful panic attacks. I have fretted about this day in fear that I would be such a mess that I wouldn't even be able to enjoy the day. I have an anti anxiety pill I have been saving for the wedding day to take before the ceremony. As I laid in bed last night talking to the one who has blessed me so, I prayed about how anxious I feel about the wedding. I told Him that I was fearful that I would be a nervous wreck to say the least. As I was getting the words out of my mouth "please join my father as we walk down the isle, let me know you are by my side" He spoke. It is always so prominent when He reveals something to me. It is almost like the He was right there holding my hand and telling me all would be well. He said "If you have faith in me, rely on only that to calm your nerves child. I am all and you do not need any pill to conquer this day. I will see you through. WOW! Sometimes we forget that He is all we need unless we are quiet enough to let Him tell us. Walk with God and you will never walk alone.

                                           Be still and know that I am God. -Psalms 46:10

Blushing Bride

As I sit here before my wedding day I wanted to think about what husband and wife means to me. Uniting our love as one in front of our friends and family is a given, but delving into what marriage really is begins a whole new chapter. In the beginning God created man and something was not right, man needed a companion so from man God created woman by taking one of Adam's ribs and making Eve. God was the coordinator of the first wedding and I rest assured in the fact that He knows what He is doing. The blushing innocence of a bride as she is guided down the isle by her father to her groom is so beautiful only God could have created it. The angelic look of anticipation in the grooms eyes as he waits for the woman that was made for him is incomprehensible. Both of them dressed in the righteousness of Christ ready to make life long vows to one another. With Christ at the forefront of this relationship there is nothing we can't do. As long as we continue to let Him steer the wheel and put our love for Him above our love for one another our marriage will be lush. Filled with pure joy, compassion, loyalty, love, and blessings for one another. For when God is put first your life is always lush. It is not about how cute of a couple you make or where you call your home together, but it is about the partnership you have and how you strive everyday to make this earthly life the best that it can be. It is about how you work as a team and support one another through any obstacle that comes your way. It is about praying together and creating a family and home that always has Christ at the center. It is only then that you have the riches of this life God intended. I have said it before and I will say it again the ONLY thing that matters in this life is our relationship with God and our relationships with others and LOVE is the focal point in all of this. If we can learn how to love one another as Christ loves us we have surely fought the good fight. I hold my head high with Him as I go in to this union of love with the one He created for me. The next wedding of course will be the ultimate affair. As the bride of Christ one day I will walk down the isle to my bridegroom and we will begin our new life together in eternity. Hallelujah!

"May there be such a oneness between you that when one of you cries the other tastes salt." -Anonymous 

How great thou art

Then sings my soul,

My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art!

The chorus of this old gospel hymn just whirled around in my head this morning. I got to do something very special today. When the sun was barely peeking over the horizon Chad took me to meet his papa. The unique thing about this meeting was that it was at Sparkland Hillcrest cemetery. Upon our arrival we went and bought some sunflowers to give his headstone a little pizazz. Chad introduced me and I said hello, then we prayed. I know how much this man meant to my finance. His grandfather is more than just a distant memory or thought to him. As I gazed around we were surrounded by the universal symbol of peace. The cross was every where, beautifully crafted out of stone and granite. I could not help the overwhelming sense of serenity that the Lord put on me in that place. Cemeteries have never made me sad, but always at ease. I guess there is something about putting this old earthly body to rest and sending our souls to Heaven that makes me feel that way. We looped around looking at the different head stones and the dates of different peoples lives. However long or short they were at rest now, and there is something very harmonious about that.

Lord thank you for the opportunity to experience this with my fiance. However small the act may have been I think the impact was massive. We wanted a blessing for our marriage even from our family that has passed on. We know they are here in spirit.

To the angels that are with us in spirit:

Harvey Artemus Miller

Fannie Mae Miller

Charles Reese Mote

Lucille Morgan

Harold N. Shannon

Eddie Bull Sr.

Phyllis Bull

The trinkets that carry our blessings

The trinkets that carry our blessings aren't always porcelain or ornate in fashion. The case that brings our miracles isn't always sturdy and bound with leather. The ship that brings us our fortune doesn't always have flowing sails on a sturdy mast. What I am trying to say is sometimes when God gives us something, it isn't always in a pretty package. I was inspired to write this because of an old friend who was curious enough to get in touch with me this week. I must say, the charisma of the conversation left me with a smile and also an open heart to lend her. She does not realize how she has paid it forward yet. I love stories like that! You see them in movies where a friend crosses paths with another friends life and the incident changes both of their lives in some way and they don't know it yet. So cool. While praying with my (soon to be) husband last night we touched over a few of the same subjects we always do and then I brought something new in. I prayed for this friend and her family. I prayed for strength, courage, and wisdom to cross this broken bridge they have found themselves on. When we finished praying together I continued to pray silently in my head drifting back and forth from thinking about what I would say to her and letting God speak to me. He brought me this seed to grow on, sometimes we don't recognize the true blessings in our lives because they come in some hideous form of pain and suffering. The truth of the matter is, God always has something for you to take away from these terrible storms. There is a valuable life lesson in every single one of them. Sometimes it is hidden and we have to look harder for it, but it is there. It's kinda cool if you think about it, we can always be learning. I think that often we forget that among all other things, our Lord is a teacher. When Jesus was on earth that is how His disciples referred to Him, as "Teacher". So appropriate. Diving head first into the curve balls of life is not the easiest thing to do. I do think it is better to do that than to not swing at them at all. Let's learn from them and uncover our hidden blessing.

What kind of trinket is carrying your blessings?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3: 5-6

Failure at its finest

So being 100% proud of yourself all the time is just not possible is it? I mean what happens when you fail? Falling down isn't as bad as it may seem. What if every time we fell, we picked ourselves back up with prayer and a life lesson. I think that if we were strong enough to analyze the situation without getting angry at ourselves, that only then we could take a look at what God wanted us to learn from that mistake. Surely there is a learning experience in everything right? I am quite convinced there is. We deal with them daily.. something doesn't go right, we narrow down the reason it didn't go right, and we don't do that next time. It sounds simple enough when reading it to yourself, but how often do we really repeat our worst mistakes? More often than any of us realize. Maybe we repeat them because we have not learned God's lesson in why we shouldn't do them anymore yet. I have said it before and will say it again.. God is so clever. He is our biggest resource when it comes to how to live a fulfilling life. Why are we not turning to Him when we fall down people? Maybe because there is another player in this game of life. We must not forget that anywhere God's light is shining good ol' Lucifer is close behind. He wants to haunt Christians worse than anyone else on this earth. Satan lurks in every corner to make you feel like a failure. His goal is to make us feel bad enough for our mistake to take cover and hide from our Lord. He builds us this beautiful platter filled with shame, regret, sadness, and unholiness and sets it down in front of us to gobble up. DON"T EAT IT!!!!! It is only a trap! God has not shunned us unholy because we messed up again. He wants us to retreat to Him in times of regret and sadness. He is called our Savior because he SAVES! Did anyone else just hear bells ringing?  Or maybe it was just a little sweet chorus in my head singing hallelujah. Thank goodness we have a merciful God, because I am a sinner. Nothing could ever humble you like falling on to your knees and praying to God. We are never too big to show our God how small we really are by collapsing at His feet and praying for His mercy. I have conviction in my heart right now because I have lost the sense of urgency to pray often. I feel like God just poured out of my fingertips what He wanted me to hear, not what He wanted me to share with others. Wow I love mornings like this...soaking in His words.

That is my prayer today, God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Weeding out frivolous friends

Today I decided to write about friendship. My mother always used to tell me that if you can count on one hand the amount of real friends you have... you're doing good.  I always thought that was absurd. Surely people have more friends than that. I do. At least I thought I did. As I have continued down this winding journey of life I have realized that the older you get the more quickly that changes. People come and go much like the seasons. They change your surroundings for a bit, then they are off to the next bigger and better thing. I have especially taken note of this in female friends. It has been painfully obvious to me that certain girls in my life have been there only when they have something to gain from me. For example maybe I am friends with a guy they like, I pay for them when we go somewhere, or even because there was no one else to hang out with. In return when you are a good friend, you are there through all of these depthless and shallow actions. I honestly consider myself a good friend to anyone. I always have ears that listen, a heart that cares, a mouth that is willing to give advice if the time is right, and a loyal fiber that is just knitted into my being. I think another thing that has saved my morals when it comes to being a good friend is that I stay away from the mean gossip train. Yes I said mean. There is no other way to put it, girls are mean and if they have even one tiny ounce of jealousy in their system towards you, you better believe your name will be thrown under that train. I have had a good amount of time to think about the people in my life who have come and gone. With that being said I know exactly why the ones who are still in my life are there for the long haul. My best friend in the entire world lives in a different country, but yet I am closer to her than anyone that lives here. This friend rejoices with you when you are thriving in life, she cries with you when you are sad, she laughs with you even when no one else is, she takes up for you when you are not around and most importantly she is there no matter what. God has kept her in my life for many reasons, but one of them is that she is a rock solid source when it comes to friendship. This person has seen me at my worst and celebrated with me at my best. So I have decided to tweak my mothers theory a bit. If you make it through life with one good friend, you have won. You have gained a victory that most would kill for, but the key is... to attain a friend like that, you must first be one.

        The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense. -Proverbs 27:9

I found this picture fitting enough to show her spunk and charisma while still capturing her happiness that she has found in her life lately. Katy I love you.

Flying Away

Leaving the comfort of your mother and fathers arms is not quite the easy task I thought I had on my hands.  When you are 18 you can't wait to leave and embark on your new life. Most of us, like me, find our selves back at home a number of times before we really make our imprint on this world as adults. I think home for me has been my safe place. When devastation and corruption are going on all around me being home makes me feel protected. Out of all the people we come in contact with every day, no one cherishes you like your family. So it makes sense that when in their presence you feel free from harm. You are surrounded by walls that were created from memories and sunny days. You know where things are located and you feel more than at ease relaxed on the couch with your feet up on the coffee table. It usually smells clean and welcoming and more than likely there is a meal for you to eat and an unspoken invitation for you to stay as long as you please. Your family loves you, so the most important thing you feel when you go home is unconditional, selfless love. That is what makes a home.  I know it is at times hard for parents to watch their child whom they have groomed and taught leave the nest for a final time. Parents have a tough job. They spend two decades teaching their children right from wrong and send them out with hopes and prayers that they do it right the first time. It is easier for my mom and dad this time because I am happy. The man that they have prayed for since before I was even born has found me. They feel safe knowing that their little girl is going to another home that is protected and filled with the most abiding love. And as for the little girl (me) God is teaching me how to make a new home. He said home is where your heart is...and your heart is my home. Just the sheer reminder that God is with you where ever you lay your head is about the most soothing message of reassurance one could ask for. I know I will miss my parents and still love being at their home, but I have work to do here with my husband creating a home together with Christ.

The love a mother has for her baby is unconditional.

You are captivating, you are lovely.

In life we tend to always be looking for the next best thing. Say we get a new car we are instantly thinking of how to make it better...new stereo, tinted windows, new wheels. It is a rat race in which society will constantly starve for the best and unfortunately in return be unsatisfied in one or more aspects of our own lives. The question is were we designed that way by our creator or did the greediness within us evolve over time. I think wanting to be the best "YOU" you can be is a rock solid foundation that Christ wants each and every one of us to have. However, I do not think that statement means to strive above everyone else and be better than others. God created each of us different so that we could all fit together like pieces of a puzzle. The great puzzle of life. We all have our own personal ladder of success to climb in life. Its just the height and number of steps on each ladder that changes. The truth of the matter is, you will never be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, or the most talented person you know. There is always someone better than the last and we are only cheating ourselves if we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. I have felt this subject whisper in my ear several times lately. I caught myself  the other day while getting ready to go somewhere wondering if my outfit will be as cute as everyone else's. Superficial I know, but we all do things like this. As a woman we feel the need to be perfect or "our best" all the time. We feel like we have so much pressure from society to do so.  The actuality of it is we do this to ourselves. "You left the house a mess and laundry everywhere, you aren't being clean enough for God. You are a mess." Jeez, a couple of dirty socks and we immediately turned ourselves into a terrible woman and wife. I know when I fail at something I immediately start thinking "Well there you go again, you knew you couldn't do this. Why did you even try. You can't get anything right." Wow. Just writing that made me sad that I treat myself like this. How am I supposed to be the strong, but meek, confident, but vulnerable, intelligent, and CAPTIVATING woman the Lord intended me to be when I secretly treat myself like crap. I don't know the answer to that, but this morning I was inspired to encourage myself every chance I get to continue being true to who I am and learning to fall in love with who that is. We are all a mess, but a beautiful mess that captivates those around us.

She is captivating, isn't she lovely...

Broken Wings

I can't hit on this subject enough in my life. It seems that I am always in constant battle with myself arguing that I have lost all that is fun in life by following "the rules". My senses usually answer back to my wild heart by mockingly stating "doing what is right is not always fun." So I sat down to reason with my restless soul and went on a fantastic journey only to discover the true allusiveness of these mad thoughts I have been experiencing. Down in the depths of my heart I truly disgust conformity in any way, shape, or form. I have always wanted to be an individual, eccentric and unrestrained from the ways of the world. I like being a free spirit. I have thought for so long that going against the grain and partying my tail off was keeping it real. Ha ha I was being REAL unique by doing what EVERYONE else was doing. It is so funny how you perceive things when your mind has not fully developed. I have found my niche though, being the one who chooses not to drink is making a stand and being different. I am so much more colorful now than I ever have been before. I think that I tried so hard to have a tough exterior for so long that I just thought that's the way I was. When in all reality I was a scared little girl. I didn't want to be different.. I wanted to blend in. I wanted to be cool and go UN noticed so I just hoped on the train and did what everyone else was doing. I have not given myself enough credit for the changes I have made. I don't know if you realize, but hoping off of any train that is moving at incredibly high speeds is difficult to do and chances of survival are slim to none. I survived though. I have some scratches and wounds that are still healing, but none the less they are on their way to being healed forever with the help of the Lord. I do like the lingering battle wounds though. Usually scars are a painful lesson from the past and will always remind you of something you never want to go through again. I am not proud of them, but don't mind keeping them around to awaken the stale memories of my past and to put an emphasis on my heart of why I chose to hand things over to God.

Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.
-Rabindranath Tagore

Rain down on me

I love that I awoke to slate blue clouds and the zest of fresh air this morning. Rain down on me. Isn't it magnificent that we can smell things coming? I mean really think about what ties your brain to memories, and a lot of that will come back to smell. The aroma of greasy bacon and eggs traveling through the air from country kitchen to your nose early in the morning while you sleep instantly takes me back to Emory Texas. As a little girl my great grandparents had a farm in Emory, it was a kids dream. Chickens, horses, dogs, and all the mud you could get your hands on. Their kitchen was always stocked with moon pies and nilla wafers and every morning granny got up and cooked biscuits, bacon, and eggs in the left over bacon grease. Needless to say every time I smell that breakfast no matter where I am, my memory takes me there in an instant. I think its fascinating. Maybe that is God's way of ever so often entering our realm and reminding us of things that are important to us. Out of all of the most pleasing smells in the world, fresh rain takes the cake. Its like the Lord Himself took water from a pale and with His own hands baptized the earth. I say baptize because once a rain is over, all the plants immerse from hiding and are cleansed. The same thing happens when we are baptized. I know in the fancy sense of the word you have to be cleansed by water to be baptized properly, but I like to do it a little more often than that. I like to disinfect my spirit on the reg. I think it needs it. My heart spiritually dedicates itself by purifying it in the word. I will rinse, refine, and restore and once I am done the process starts all over. It is a daily battle being a "good" Christian when sin is braided into your life and seems to take over like poisonous vines in a garden. We all were born with it and over time we seem to just let sin mesh and become one with who we are. Today let's be one with the rain. Let's intertwine our souls with the rain and let it bathe us.

Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. -James 4:8

Bearing your gifts

We are all good at something. God blessed each and every one of us with our own particular way of wooing the world. Sometimes He gives some more than others, but it is our duty in life to make the most of what was woven into our souls to be mass produced and shown to the world. Hiding your natural gifts should be considered a crime since you are basically robbing the rest of the world of ever getting to experience what you have to offer them. If you do not think what you have to offer is worth anything, you couldn't be more wrong.

I have decided that the good Lord did not give me the talents I had hoped for, musical talents that is. I never understood why He wouldn't give some one who bathed her everyday thoughts in the sweet, sweet sound of music any real musical inclinations. I know that we can't sit around all day and wish for things we don't have and I also do realize that He made me a vital role in many musicians life, because if there was no one like me there would be no devout fans to support and be committed to making good music known to the world.

Since being an accomplished fiddle player or singer is out of the question. I continued on a faithful search of what God intended me to use for His good. I soon realized that all I had to do was look around. I have created a home in where the lords presence is everywhere. I have painted and carved His brilliance on things that I found in the trash. Maybe I was meant to make Christian home decor "cool" again.  Maybe I took a green approach to recycling used things and converting them into divine statement pieces that showcase God's love and words for us. Pretty cool morning for me. I am pleased with that for now.

Lord thank you for all of the daily delights and blessings you have given me in my life. Help me to always be grateful and humbled for what I have instead of being disappointed in the things I may not have.

Finding the light in life

As I sit this morning drinking coffee in my retro themed sun room with old records playing and the dogs running around beneath my bare feet, I began to think about what brings light in to my life. Well for starters having a place to call my own, or better yet to call "ours"... everything I can think of has to do with Chad. I saw something today that was kind of disturbing... referencing getting married and having a family to signing your life away and preparing to rot and die. I was deeply troubled by the fact that anyone would think that finding love and companionship to go through life with was in anyway going to suck the life out of you. Before Chad, I was alone and with him now I feel like I can do anything. He has stood beside me throughout everything. More importantly...Chad began to love me, when I felt unlovable. Have you ever been in such a dark place that you think just your mere presence will ruin every ones day. Have you ever been so miserable that you always avoided mirrors because you knew when you had to look at yourself you would immediately feel sick to your stomach and begin to cry. I was there and I know now that I wasn't alone, God was with me. I just think He had to let the lifestyle I was living do its damage for me to actually realize His way was better. He is so smart. You have solved life's puzzle when you realize that empty hole in your soul CAN NOT be filled with ANYTHING else but God's love. The world fills it with sex, drugs, alcohol, & anything it thinks massive enough to fill up that gaping hole inside our hearts. The funny thing is that it works backwards...the more sin you put in...the bigger the hole gets. The Devil is smart too. Our life is hard enough as it is, why do we want to borrow trouble and bring blatant sin in to make it harder? I got a little off subject, my whole point was I am at a new level of happiness in my life. I have climbed that mountain of sin and stood on top of it and cried, sang, smiled, and rejoiced in my new path. The Lord shines through me, pours out of me and most importantly lives in me. Despite my past I am going into this union as a Godly woman and I will walk down the isle with pride and not shame... and that feels good.

-Nothing is more beautiful than a freshly cleansed Christian woman, they are as white as snow.

A Heavenly Fathers Love

After reading the astounding book Captivating, which is dedicated to showing women what we were created for and what lies in the depths of our soul, I have been looking at romance in a whole new light. Of course I got envious of the writer because she spoke of ways that God romanced her everyday. I thought aloud to myself.."huh, well you never romance me. Whats the deal? Am I not Christian enough? Or maybe I just have never been the flavor of the week." That is a thought I have often thought about myself. What a terrible way to look at myself as a woman. I had no idea how much I would re-think all of these things.

My first taste of change was on a morning in early August. I took a much needed mental health day from work and started my day out with a good 3 mile walk. I prayed and talked to God a lot of the way through just like I usually do, then I decided to ask Him. "God, how are you romancing me today?" then in an instant I was greeted with a crisp cool breeze. An honest 10 degrees cooler than the 101 it had already reached for the day. It lasted a few moments and made me smile, I almost began to ask again...."was that really you?" But I decided to take my gift and enjoy it. It was in that instant that I realized all this romance was going on around me constantly. I was just never still and quiet enough to see it.

 I have gone back to my hustle and bustle of wedding planning and stress and once again have ignored the daily beauty our Lord bestows upon us. I made myself go on a run this evening as the sun was almost set. Midway through my run I began to think of what all the Lord has blessed me with today so that I could give thanks. As I looked up the sky was extraordinary. Just a portion of it was almost like a smoke haze. This haze was the color of a peach rose that had been dipped in champagne. It was as beautiful as your mother's antique pearls and had been sprinkled with stars that were placed perfectly to contour its body. All of this artistry had been placed over a lavender background that I could almost smell. Needless to say it was beautiful.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. -Psalms 150:6

Lord help me to see the beauty in everything. Everything you created is beautiful.

Happily Ever After

I am living in a bubble right now filled with happiness in its most innocent form. I am engaged! To the man of my dreams. I knew the thought of getting married was exciting, but when you are actually pushed into the whirlwind world of planning a wedding and a future with the love of your life it is even more exciting than I ever could have dreamed up. My eyes couldn't rest more easy than when I am with him. I know it will not come in the simplest fashion, but I am willing and ready to take on the challenge of growing up and becoming a wife and full time partner. I want to put my best foot forward for this marriage and make sure that I am closer to God than I have been the past few months. I want to be the Christian bride he intended me to be. I have stumbled, but learned and grown. I am still understanding how to love myself and I think that will be a life long process.

Lord help me accept the changes coming into my life and embrace them with love and understanding.

Back in the days of old

Everyone has a story it seems. Lately I have made it part of my daily life to get to know the pain and struggles of others past and present. I have taken a specific likening to listening to stories from the elders of our time. Soaking in every bit of what their lives have been like and where they came from. It is so intriguing to me. I don't quite know why, but it is. It could be that they are from what seems to be such a different frame of life. We all have a frame around our lives which creates a border, if you will, around a picture of what we are all about. Their pictures seem to be so much more appealing than the ones we have come to see now a days. They paint an image of hard work, hard lives, and good old salt of the earth people. History has always been entertaining to me, but in the way of hearing peoples story and how they ended up where they are now. Being a 23 year old you wouldn't think that out of a room full of young adults that I would probably be found sitting in the back having a conversation with the only person over 70 about how much things used to cost compared to what they do now. I love it though. I love the generation of my grandparents and my great grandparents. There is so much wisdom to be given out before they are gone. I think they enjoy me a bit too. When you are interested in someones life who has not had anyone in a while you are good for their soul. Every ones soul needs a little bit of soothing once in a while....what better way to do that than finding a new friend in someone you never expected.

Affairs with yourself

Oh how I have missed writing. It soothes me in some sort of way to know that I can tell the whole world how I feel without even having to speak a word out loud. My heart seems to be swaying back and forth between who I am as a free spirit and who I have become as a born again Christian woman. I know that everything I have been up to this point has shaped and molded me into exactly the person I am supposed to be. On the contrary how do we learn to love ourselves when we are sinners in such a way that sometimes we don't even notice we are sinning anymore? Why am I so determined to be perfect. Not that perfection isn't a standard we should all strive for, it is just simply unattainable. I have made a new promise to myself and to my Lord. I promised to fall completely in love with the woman that I am. Fall in love with my charisma, fall in love with my body, fall in love with my faults and imperfections. Although I believe this might be a hard feat to accomplish.. I think we all possess the power to love ourselves. What a noteworthy act of achievement might it be to fully find happiness in who you are as a whole. I not only believe that this will improve my confidence and ability to love, but my relationships as well. How can someone else love you when you do not love yourself in return? Good question...you are making the job a heck of a lot harder for those around you. The most important relationship of all is that of you and your maker. He made me just the way I am for a reason...flower child, light hearted, tall, a bit out spoken and unique in all of my own ways. I am me and there is no one else like me... and that is comforting. Thank you God for granting me little pieces of your wisdom everyday. Lord knows I need it.

"Whoever gets sense loves his own soul;

he who keeps understanding will discover good." -Proverbs 19:8

Patching our lives together

I have come to realize that the only true happiness we can ever achieve is with God. He allows good and bad to cross our paths and also gives us enough slack in the line to choose the way we handle the things that are set before us. Something I heard yesterday hit pretty close to home...God can't do work for us unless He lives in us. Cliche I know, but think about it...how is He supposed to be in all aspects of our lives if we don't let Him. I know each of us has our Christian lives with our church home or our family, but some of us have another life that we sometimes forget to have God be apart of or pretend He just can't see it. Hard for most of us to admit, but it is the truth. If even more truth be told and we had to write out the pros and cons of each realm of our life the one without God's presence would be the obvious loser. Why? Because He is the light. He fills that empty hole in our soul that we have tried to fill with everything else in the world. He brings us comfort in times of need and quenches our thirst when we are thirsty. Don't you feel a bit dehydrated when you don't have God? Dehydrated meaning that our spirit is dry and needs to be fed and we become very thirsty for His love, wisdom, and peace. The problem is that most of us are too ashamed after a night out without our savior's armor to come pride less to Him and ask to be forgiven. For some reason we have a hard time spending time with God when we have done something bad. To be frank that is Lucifer. He is so sneaky that he knits this blanket of demise, shame, and guilt and wraps us up so carefully and snug in it that we don't even want to come out and speak to our Lord. So here comes this extravagant mess that just spirals more out of control because we try and clean it up. The Lord wants to help, we just have to ask Him. He can't do work in us if we do not submit to Him. He needs to be in all aspects of our lives. Let God in and let Him do the cleaning up. Seek Him and you shall receive. Spend time with Him and you shall gain. Surrender to Him and you shall be free. Serve Him and you shall have so much joy. What a loving, devoted, understanding, compassionate God we have. Let's strive everyday to be more like Him and never let Him out of our reach.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.-Matthew 11:28

For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. -Deuteronomy 20:4

Lord help me to reach out my hand and invite you in to all parts of my life. Help me to wake up everyday and strive to make it a perfect day for you, and help me to remember that I can not do this alone... I need you.

Prayer Warriors

I usually am not the type to ask for prayer, but after a long 8 months of looking for a job I am going to ask for a little help on this one. I have given my resume to just about every medical office here in Rockwall hoping to get a shot and so far no good. I was beyond excited that my resume got pushed to the top (after a wonderful man went out on a limb and put in a good word for me) at the church. I was even more delighted after my interview went perfect, to me it did at least. After waiting a grueling 2 months for a response from them, I finally got the call that they had given the position to someone else. I think I was more let down by the fact that I missed out on a job that was going to be totally surrounded with God. I thought how great of a job is it when you pray together before every meal and your entire day is centered on serving the Lord. I also thought it was an amazing way for me to give back to my church since I am not equipped with the funds to give every week. I think that is why I was so let down. In a way me not having a job has been a blessing in all sorts of ways. The first blessing was that I have been able to repair my self from the previous damage I have done in the past few years. To wrap up years of self destruction in to only 8 months of healing is incredible to me. In no way am I saying I am complete and solid now, but I saw the light. That phrase and song mean more to me than you will ever know..."Praise the Lord I saw the light.." I saw the light of the Lord and I not only let it shine on me, I bathed in it. I soaked up every bit of that light and let it pour into the deepest parts of my soul. Apart from my spiritual growth I have had the time to work on the physical aspect of my life as well. I have lost a total of 8 pounds, 6 inches, and brought my body fat down 4 points. I feel better and I am beginning to smile at what I see when I look in the mirror. The last and probably my favorite blessing that the Lord has brought me through this would be that I have taken on the privilege and job of watching my precious niece during the week. Being apart of her life and watching her grow is a constant reminder of how great God is. She is beautiful. All of that being said I got called today to come in for an interview at a Physical Therapy office for a therapist tech position. I have had a similar job before and I loved it. I loved working with the patients..esp the elderly ones :). I am asking those of you who read this to please take time and say a little prayer for me. My interview is Tuesday and you better believe I will be spending my weeking refreshing my brain on terms and making sure I am going into that interview as prepared as I possibly can be. It is time, and I am ready to feel accomplished everyday and to have things to learn and duties to fulfill. The verse I chose today means an immense amount to me. My beautiful aunt Stacey, who is such a strong Christian woman and firm in her faith said to me one day"This is your verse". I was in such a transitional place in my life when she said that. This verse has appeared to me EVERYWHERE, I mean out of no where, random places, EVERYWHERE! I have adopted it as my official go to verse.

 But those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:31

Lord thank you for letting me see the light. You are so good and your glory is so bright that I know everyday so many people see that light. If it is your will for me to have this job ease my nerve and help me to be confident in you by my side.

Link Up

Adding a little bit on from yesterday, after my shower last night I decided to gather up all of the things that were not being used or were extra and I came out on top. I filled a big basket with shampoo, conditioner, lotion, soap, hair ties, and dental floss. I also had about 7 big bright towels that no longer go with the bathroom decor, which this is where I started thinking how ridiculous that I have all of this EXTRA stuff. It kinda made me sick. Fortunately though Chad has lots of mens coats and jeans that needed a home and I did have some fun smell good stuff that some lucky ladies will get to use! I hope it is a treat for them. I would love to go across the world on a mission trip don't get me wrong, but I have decided that there are people right here in our community that need help first. There are families that need food and shelter, homeless that need a shower, and children that just need a little TLC.

Link up-

Last night when I was laying in bed I started thinking about what is really important to me. Relationships seemed to be number one. Whether my relationship with the Lord, my relationship with my mother, my relationship with Chad, or my relationship with my cousin Cadie, they all are different relationships, but all equally as important. I don't really know anything as substantial as building the relationships in our lives. I know for most like me it is a hard concept to grasp that we can't take things with us from this life, but the connections we have made with people here and with the Lord we can. The knowledge we can get from an hour conversation with our grandparents, or even great grandparents for some of us that are lucky, is priceless. You can't find that kind of counsel in books or from class. Life lessons are the most valuable things we can learn and the only way to learn them is from the people who have already experienced life more than we have. We take for granted the fact that these people are always going to be there so we forget about them sometimes. We have to water these relationships as if they were plants to make them grow. Also while taking on my new job of babysitting my almost 2 year old niece I have realized that children are our very own angels among us and they are such a blessing and gift from the Lord. There are people I know in my life that desperately want children and for some reason they can't have them. I will never understand that, but I do know that children are a gift and are our only clear view of innocence in this sinful world. Ultimately this just struck a chord with me and we are put here on earth to do 2 things, serve & love the Lord our God with all of your heart, and love others as you love yourself and establish relationships with them.

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. -John 13:34

Lord help me make the most out of my relationships. Help me to water and nurture them so they will grow. Do not let me forget those people in my life who I don't see often, but help me to make more of an effort to show them that I love them.

Who needs you?

Today I want to see the bigger picture. How fast do our lives pass us by and how many chances are we given in life to help others? I have come to realize that every task put in front of us by the good Lord is a choice. Maybe task isn't even the right word, opportunity. Yes, opportunity I like that one. We are faced everyday with hundreds of opportunities to make the right decision. How do we know which one is right? The one that probably puts another human beings needs before our own. This is hard for some of us because we live in a "dog-eat-dog" world where people put their own needs infront of others. Someone recently told me that we should live our lives every day with JOY, J-standing for Jesus first, O-standing for others second, and Y-standing for yourself last. How many times do you let someone who is walking to the grocery line at the same time as you go ahead of you? How many times do you let someone have the front parking space when you were there first? Just plain old fashioned courteousness seems fleeting. I woke up today feeling like I have been blessed so much in this life and I am not giving back as much as I should be. Yes I am involved in YoungLife, which is an incredible organization to help bring teens to Christ, but I could be doing more. Now I was on a mission to find where I could fit and I could better serve the Lord. Without a full time job I could be doing so much more. Guilt seems to settle in the cracks where I have so much spare time that is spent soli- on myself. So today I looked at the bigger picture. Today I thought who can I help and how. Today I signed up to provide towels and fresh clothes to the homeless after they get a hot shower. Today changed the way I look at life. I hope today I changed someone elses life.

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. -Philippians 2:4

Lord help me live my life everyday with JOY and bless others as I have been blessed. Let me make the most of each day and turn every opportunity into a right choice.

Tranquil Quarters

So I read in a devotional on my phone the other day about how our bed is our own sacred sanctuary.  Now think about this...we can pretend to be who ever we want on a day to day basis, maybe a "big time" lawyer, when we really haven't had a case in 6 months or maybe the social butterfly of the town who seems to be everyones friend, but when at home there are really no friends at all. When we lay down at night in our beds there is no pretending with God. We are most vulnerable laying there with nothing to offer, but our thoughts and prayers. I think God enjoys that. Think about your bedroom...is it your hideaway from the world? Is it where you choose to have your quiet time with your Savior? Or is it cluttered with mess and maybe just somewhere that  provides a place for you to rest at night? Either way you look at it your bed is where you bring yourself  to have rest after your long day comes to an end. So in some way your bed is a safe place for you to go and be yourself. We don't have to be anyone special for God because to Him we are perfect. This is something I find great peace in. To my God I am perfect. He made me special and He has an unfailing love for me that will last forever. No matter where you sleep, on a California King or on a mat on the floor with no blanket, you have a sacred sanctuary where you can be vulnerable with God at night.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well. 
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be. -Psalm 139 14-16

Lord help me to be thankful for my traquil quarters where I lay my head at night. Remind me that with all of the chaos in the world that I can relax and come to you as my self because you love me and made me perfect.

Finding your niche

As of late I have almost become quite obssesive about trying to find where I fit in my Christian walk. I am not your typical "cookie cutter" Christian. I am colorful, quirky at times, unkept a bit with flowers in my hair, music loud, a mouth that my foot is firmly planted in most of the time, and a past that haunts me.  I love the Lord with all of my heart and that is certain, but finding where I fit in among His children has been a daunting task. Filled with panic I try and keep my "cool" persona around folks who I find too intimidating to show my new lifestyle, but while doing that I could be keeping one of them from changing theirs. In retrospect, I wish I would have had someone shining that ever so bright light of a newly washed soul to me when I was in my darkest days. There is nothing brighter nor prettier than that effervescent, irrepressible joy that a new Christian gives off. I want that brilliance all the time. I have a desire to be different, but I feel like my body is like that of a bobber on the end of fishing pole. Just dancing around on the waters surface most of the time, but then in an instant gets sucked underneath into the dark.

Lord today I am praying for strength to break free of just dancing on the water. Help me to surrender fully to you and shine the light of loving the Lord to the world.

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. -James 1:22